


and even the holy

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Character Study, F/M, Implied Relationships, Levi Week, Non-Linear Narrative, Panic Attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-19
Updated: 2013-12-19
Packaged: 2018-01-05 05:12:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1090000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They were no more than several centimetres apart from each other, and yet the distance felt like miles and miles and miles (and it hurt for them both) </p><p>Written for Day Two of Levi Week.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and even the holy

_Ma perciocchè giammai di questo fondo_

_Non tornò vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,_

_Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo._

_(but as no one has ever returned_

_alive from this gulf,_

_if what I hear is true,_

_I can answer you with no fear of infamy.)_

_\--_ _Inferno (XXVII, 64–66)_

* * *

**1.**

He knew he couldn't put it off forever, but Levi was hoping that he could avoid going for just a bit longer. His wounds haven’t completely healed and his head still spun. The shadow of the failed expedition loomed obstinately, smothering out light with its dour reminder that even the best, fastest, strongest, kindest, holiest—

_could fall_

_(what made all this hurt more? it really made no difference in the end anyway.)_

After his coffee in the muted morning light, he walked back towards the living quarters; past Erwin’s room, Hange’s room (he hadn’t seen her door opened since coming back from the expedition), his own, and finally he arrived at Gunter, Erd and Auruo’s shared quarters.

The pain in his leg seemed more relentless than usual, and his ever present migraine merely crescendoed. Levi swallowed the sinking misery in his chest and set his face back into a cold, impassive stare straight ahead at nothing in particular. He smoothed out his breathing, and ignored the faint smell of Gunter’s stacks of books, of Erd’s tea and Auruo’s ridiculous hair gel. Phantom memories passed by, patted him on his back, his shoulders, sussurated undeserved compliments in one ear and reassurances in the other. Looking downwards, he unclenched his white knuckled fists and ignored the void in his gut that seemed to grow and smoulder and singe and devour him from within.

He ignored the people busily rushing past him with belongings that once belonged to someone.

“Corporal Levi sir, are you alright?”

A fresh recruit with a familiar head of strawberry blonde hair looked at him, doe eyed, innocent, concerned. Levi blinked once. Twice.

Suppressing a tremor that threatened to tear through his core; he focused on leaning on his good leg and formulating some sort of a response that would make the recruit scram and leave him alone. Instead of a harsh, snarled and snarky response, all he could manage was choke in attempt not to let loose some sort of a pathetic whimper. Overwhelmed by a great sense of vertigo, he faintly noted that his wounds felt warm and were weeping below the bandages again.

He flew too close to danger and his friends paid the price. His wings were gone, and the ground swayed dangerously beneath him.

“He is alright, soldier. Continue with your duties.” A warm hand landed on Levi’s shoulder, anchoring him. The soldier saluted, and then scurried away. Erwin returned a sharp gaze and a nod. Levi hadn’t moved from his stance.

“Levi,” Erwin called him. Levi wasn’t sure how many times Erwin had to say his name for it to seep into his awareness (more than twice, he guessed). He finally looked up at Erwin; dull ashen eyes stared past lightning blue, perpetually inscrutable and composed ones.  

“I want you to say your goodbyes, and then take the rest of today off.” Eyebrows furrowed, Levi opened his mouth to interject (I’m fine _I’m fine at least I’m not bleeding against some tree. at least I’m not dangling upside down with my neck broken or crushed against the floor, bones bare blood already chilled youth wasted for a lost cause)_ but Erwin raised a hand to stop him and continued.

“They will not be cleaning Petra’s room until after lunch time. Hange already visited all their rooms early this morning--“he paused, briefly pressing his lips together. “She was a mess, but she’ll be alright eventually. She is strong.” Erwin sighed softly, putting his hand on Levi’s shoulder once more.

“Take today off to recuperate, and then come back on duty and fulfil the role of Humanity’s Strongest.” Levi nodded blankly. Erwin smiled faintly, then turned and left.

And so, Levi kept breathing.

**2.**

Moments later, he found himself in Petra’s vacant room, leaned against a side wall. He opened the window to let some cool air in; seeing specks of dust motes catch on a breeze and drift towards the ground, printed against the bright sunlight streaming through. Petra kept some herbs growing on the window sill. Levi remembered seeing them in soups served for dinner right before expeditions outside of the walls.

He let the images of those nights wash over him brieflybefore scraping a shallow breath that rattled in his lungs and turning away, limping towards Petra’s end table. There laid some half written letters, folded neatly, never to be finished. He did not unfold them to read the content inside. He could not afford to.

_dear father dear brother dear Corporal_

His eyes itched. He told himself it was the dust.

_and not the fact that he wasn’t even there to see her breathe her last_

**3.**

The door creaked open and he lifted his head, his heart jerked painfully in his chest because he half expected Petra (just a tiny, _minute_ part of him expected her and)

Hange stood, hunched over next to the door frame; hand braced on the doorknob, hair mussed and eyes bloodshot. And yet, a shaky, watery smile tugged at her lips when her eyes met Levi’s.

“You look like shit,” Levi muttered, barely audible above the stale silence. Hange exhaled a quiet little laugh, completely different to her boisterous, raucous chortles. Levi’s heart sank, a dead weight in the pit of his stomach.

“You look about the same,” she replied, face sullen again, quietly stepping towards him. Levi straightened himself off of the floor, patting some dust off his trousers.

They were no more than several centimetres apart from each other, and yet the distance felt like miles and miles and miles (and it hurt for them both)

**4.**

Night was a cluster of tears and guilt and shame as Zoe wept into his nape, her body leaning against his, her sharp shoulders digging like blades into his back. He didn’t say anything for a while, but turned and gently shifted her face onto his chest instead. She looked up at him and he stared back, eyes too dark and lips too thin.

“Anywhere but the neck,” he whispered, averting his eyes to the flickering candle, wick blackening and drooping pathetically as the wax melted into his table.  

**5.**

He slipped away from Hange’s coiled figure, fitfully sleeping on his bed in the middle of the night, and he trained.

The double blades now only weighed him down like a pair of heavy, wretched claws, reminding him that he didn’t _really_ belong in the sky.

His left leg felt like it was on fire by the time the sun rose and he still tried to soar and whirl from tree to tree with his gear until he fell and fell and fell—

and got caught by _shitty glasses_  who placed him gently on the ground after she landed. A scowl etched itself deep into her face but Levi couldn’t bring himself to respond to it.

“Levi, what the _fuck_. We’re on a cliff. A fall could be your _death._ Did you not understand my specific instructions _not to use the manoeuvre gear_ until your leg is _fucking better—_ hey, are you even listening—”

With a quick flick of the wrist, he smacked away her hand reaching for his shoulder. Zoe flinched back as if his touch seared; her face not quick enough to mask the hurt.

**6.**

But she caught onto him the second time he tried (he even tried waking up earlier in the night but shitty glasses was smart and she always caught on) and he sank to his knees, lips tight, swallowing back the corrosive bitterness that rose in the back of his throat. She clung onto him once again, sobbing and shaking like a crumpled leaf caught in a tempest.

_Please, not you too.  I’ve lost so much already, not you too_

And _what could he do_ , but slacken in her grip and weakly try to laugh everything off ( _shitty glasses, I’m only out here for a smoke alright? Stop crying_ )

**7.**

Knowledge was Hange’s forte, but she never ceased to surprise Levi with how much she really knew.

Sure, the titan scientist _knew_ a hell of a lot of things about the nightmares that roamed about, gaping maws perpetually emitting a rotting stench and twisted in a mock semblance of a human smile. She could recite all the types of abnormal titans they have encountered in past expeditions in the time that Levi takes to put on all his gear in the morning. 

More than that, Zoe _knew_ , down to the very last one of Levi’s nooks and crannies; his dark narrow street corners and sharp short-cuts to shady underground labyrinths, catacombs where light hasn’t kissed for decades.

_So how should I presume_

Maybe he will know, one day.  

**8.**

Knowledge was Zoe’s forte, but she never ceased to surprise Levi with what she chooses to do with her knowledge.

Sure, Hange _knew_ that she could lose an arm, one day, on an expedition. Maybe lose a leg, another, during an experiment or something. But to be Hange Zoe means not being deterred. _Ever._

And so she raced, waltzed, sprinted impetuously down those run down districts of town, those perilous streets (with the curiosity and energy of a blasted four year old).

_and how should I begin_

Maybe one day Levi will know (or stop wondering) why she still loved him, even after knowing better than anyone else how worn, weary and empty he was.

**9.**

Levi’s eyebrow rose as he lowered his drink bottle. “The concept is ridiculous. And you, of all people.”

“What? A scientist can’t believe in afterlife now?” Zoe laughed, shrugged.

“Okay then, tell me where titans go.”

“Whatever, midget. I’ll have the last laugh when you’re begging me to bring you to heaven. My laughter will accompany your descent into the fiery depths.”

“Fine, tell me this: do you pray?” Hange smile shrunk a bit, as she met Levi’s unblinking gaze dead on. His charcoal grey eyes were sharp, focused.

“Yeah. Yeah I do pray, every night.” She averted her eyes to the eaves of the forest. Unseen birds were quietly sighing out some tuneless birdsongs.

“Just not for the reasons you might think,” she said, trailing off, as their conversation faded into the faint whispers in the branches as a zephyr trailed by.

**10.**

Some nights tasted like cheap, bitter whiskey, as they tried to stifle the distant frenetic screams of day with bow headed, semi-coherent conversations.

Levi would slur out half truths, part lies; Zoe would listen in her seldom stoic silence and stare at her wavering reflection in her tumbler.

Sometimes Levi would say something that would make Zoe ache but she would laugh along anyway, call him a lightweight and haul his whiny, complaining ass to bed. Other times, she would blurt out something she’d never say sober and Levi would chuckle faintly, before downing some more of the piss-weak whiskey.

But sometimes, _sometimes;_ they would muse over kinder times and it made the liquor somehow sweeter and their touches on each other’s skin almost burning. Those warm nights left dewdrops of condensation forming on forgotten glasses and hasty, awkward fumbling of belts and buttons as they fell into tangles in the folds amidst the blankets and sheets. Those nights brought impossible contradictions; truths and blatant lies, ambiguity in clarity, gentle passion in each touch and fiery fervour moving ice cold hands. 

(Though, perhaps, their lives were just a series of ironies in ironies, oxymoron after oxymoron.  A green cloak dyed red; freedom in walls; life seeking life desperately, amidst the ever growing mass of death upon death.)

Hange would half-heartedly berate Levi’s cigarettes in the morning; Levi would snap back, before flinching in the effects of his fresh hangover.

Rinse, regret, forget; repeat, repeat, and repeat.  

**11.**

He heard her prayers one night and she never begged for her life, or anyone else’s.

Zoe Hange only ever prayed for forgiveness. (Hers, his, theirs. It really made no difference in the end anyway.)

**12.**

Levi wakes up, unaware that he had fallen asleep at all. His body is sore where his straps and buckles wrap around his limbs and torso. The morning is dull grey and smells of raw petrachor.

Rolling his spine, Levi sits up slowly and a dull dread sets in the pit of his stomach, as if he’s forgotten something vital. The panic intensifies as it thrums through his bloodstream and pounds persistently against his skull. He stands, almost jumps to his feet and strides towards the door. Throwing it open, he finally hears water running in his personal shower and realises—

 _Oh_. That’s where Hange is. (Of course it is, where else would she be after last night?)

Levi walks back to the edge of the bed and settles down, still in a sleepy haze, and starts adjusting his straps, bracing himself for a brand new day.

**13.**

Afterwards, when they’re walking side by side in the narrow hallway, he asks Erwin why Hange wasn’t present at the meeting and he sees Erwin at a startle loss for words, for the first time in years.

He looks tired, and Levi understands. They’ve been battling for so long, after all.

When Erwin tells Levi that he has forgotten, Levi frowns and tells him to get more notebooks for his senile brain.

**14.**

They share some whiskey in the deserted mess hall after midnight once again and then somewhere in the middle of the haze of lying with Zoe’s chest flush against his, lips pressed faintly against his forehead, hands slowly sifting through his raven locks, Levi drifts away into a fog of warm comfort and feeling _so very tired_ ; as if all his exhaustion, pent up for so many years finally evaporating.

Before he drifts away, eyelids heavy, still trying to flutter away sleep, he finally tells her.

“I think I love you,” he tastes these words on his tongue and decides that he likes them, but more importantly, likes that he’s saying it to her. The hand in his hair pauses its ministrations. Levi presses on.

“I know I’ve never told you before. I should have though, years ago. I love you. I’m sure now.” Satisfied, feeling Zoe’s mouth curve upwards against his warm skin, he falls into a deep sleep, dreaming of more things that he would tell Hange once they wake.

**15.**

Jaeger and his little friends run into him some point during the day, their content little smiles completely vanishes when they see Levi. Pressing back his annoyance, he asks them if they’ve seen Hange. Their faces become even bleaker and the blond one chews on his lip and looks down, feet shuffling.

“The commander wants to see you, corporal. Immediately,” Ackerman enunciates carefully, dark eyes aged beyond their years staring straight at him. Scowling, he turns and strides towards Erwin’s office.

**16.**

The high ringing in his ear is much too loud, accompanying his vision tunnelling and the only thing he sees is his hands, dripping scarlet and much _too hot—_

“-e _vi! Levi!_ Listen to my voice, take some deep breaths with me, come on--”

His heart is fluttering much too fast like a sparrow in a death trap, wildly beating its wings in desperation. Levi’s mouth tastes of salt and he wants to throw up and he is choking as the meagre vision left in his eyes start to blur, drowning but breathing in _too much air_ and he remembers Hange telling him that he’d regret making fun of her grand, _beautiful_ Valhalla and the reverent, holy words on her lips and as always she is right, time after time _after time_ and—

_“I’ll have the last laugh when you’re begging me to bring you to heaven.”_

Oh. _Oh_ , how she was right.

“Levi! _Can someone get the medic and sedate him—_ ”

 _I’m dying,_ he thinks, as Erwin struggles to keep his hands from tearing his face off.   _This is how it ends._

Before his world fades away, before a sharp metal jab on his arms severs off his nightmare, he thinks that he sees Zoe waiting for him at the gates, hands outstretched, smiling and radiant.

**17.**

“Levi—”

“Shut up.”

“No, you shut up and listen to me…Please. Just this once.” Levi could feel Hange heave another breath with difficulty against his chest, her body draped across him, head resting in the crook of his neck. He winced and clutched her chilling form closer. His shirt was warm with Hange’s blood.

“But you can tell me when we get back. So do that. Tell me anything you need when we get back, and I’ll listen to every word of your ramblings and rants and—”

Hange moaned, whimpered in pain as she slipped a bit from the horse. Levi gritted his teeth, held on tighter to her hand and nudged his horse to urge it to _run faster_.

**18.**

“I’m so sorry, corporal,” Eren whispers barely above din of silence. Bandages riddle Levi’s face and arms where he had scratched deep, bloody lines. His eyes are dim, barely blinking as they rest on his calloused palms in front of him. Eren shifts a bit in his peripheral, face twisted in anguish.

“I know how close you and Hange were, and what she meant to you.”

“You know nothing,” Levi rasped, his sentence more breath than words.

 _I know nothing,_ he thinks to himself.  

**19.**

“I’ll go if you want,” Levi offers, but leaves no room whatsoever for discussion.

This expedition had been successful, to say the least. They had gained valuable information about geographical locations beyond the walls, discovered an old deserted city and along with it, some cryptic foreign scriptures ( _and Levi can’t help but think that Hange would have loved it_ ) which they will decipher once they returned. Now, returning seems difficult, as night is swiftly approaching, with too many signal flares and a large cluster of titans pursues them.

A storm is rolling on the horizon.

Keeping pace with Erwin, Levi sees Erwin’s face, tense in thought.

“I haven’t seen you so indecisive in a while,” Levi says, tone light, as if talking about the weather. Erwin can’t help but lightly chuckle at that. “I guess I’m getting old, Levi.”

Smiling softly, Levi utters, “We all are.”

A soft sigh escapes Erwin, and he nods, having made up his mind.

“Go, Levi. I’ll treat you good whiskey when you come back,” Erwin’s face was grim, despite his attempts to smile. Levi holds his gaze for a while, before turning and galloping off while calling back, “Tch, whatever. I never really cared for whiskey anyway.”

The sound of the Survey Corps’ horse hooves beating against the ground decreases and all fades to the stale and stagnant silence. Levi turns his heads upwards, whispers a short prayer as the heavens dim, growing darker still. The double blades are cool and calming against his palms as the first drops of rain fall on his cheeks, his eyelashes. A sudden soft breeze starts and caresses his face.

And he smiles.

* * *

 

_And I'll face the one who made_

_My disgusting heart from a lump of clay_

_Should he ask what got me through_

_If he asks me, it was you_

_\--‘Cemetery’, Say Anything_

**Author's Note:**

> So this took for-fucking-ever (no seriously it took like 2 months or so I just kept procrastinating) and it's 900% self indulgent. sorry not sorry 
> 
> This will be also posted on my tumblr once things are sorted ehehe. My url is thishereisahetaliafan.tumblr.com ;3;
> 
> Heavily inspired by the Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock and the song Cemetery by Say Anything. 
> 
> Comments and criticisms are very welcome oUo


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